You know, it’s amazing how something as simple as a decorative sticker can actually excite the senses and make one feel an aberrant yet blissful nuance of pure happiness. Even if it’s just for a few short minutes, the satisfaction of seeing this sticker nicely pasted on its desideratum is indescribable.

I guess it’s an exponential thing. The simpler something actually is, how easy it is for someone to obtain a greater sense of satisfaction and delight out of it. Perhaps when undertaking the particular activity, or upon its completion. The more complex the objective, the harder it gets to achieve that same level of happiness or gratification. As an example, say comparing a sticker to someone you love.

Last night, sleep eluded me. I have no idea why, to be honest. Thinking too much, the sweltering humidity, or simply the uncomfortable pillow are but a few factors I can surmise. I tossed and turned and all I could do was stare at the ceiling, lost in thought. It’s a first in a long time. I was tired, yet the brain refused to shut down my consciousness, instead taking me through a roller-coaster of emotions and scenarios that allowed me, in a mild state of duress, to witness the dawn outside my window.

They say that the past is past, an immutable encumbrance of bedrock. What’s tangible is the present, what vacillates is the future. And to be honest thus far it has been a tiring journey. What kept me wide awake till sunrise was my subconscious decoction of past memories that swirled around my head, the lessons learned and inevitabilities accepted, alongside that small yet ever-present glimmer of hope that perhaps, things could’ve worked out some other way. It’s a small candle-flame in a hurricane, but by God it flickers and quivers but simply refuses to die.

More than ever now, time is of the essence. One of the most protracted periods of limbo in my life is reaching its forgone conclusion. For a duration amounting to the good part of half a year, I have done nothing to facilitate any educational progress, by no fault of my own. But there’s no turning back now, no time for regrets or bitterness. All I can do now is pick up the pieces and reach that finish line, a race I know damn well I have the heart to finish.

There are so many things in life I’ve accepted as abject failures, things that force me to reflect and ultimately, just march on. But time and fate has its own strange ways, and you can’t help but wonder, that stranglehold they can have on your mind and soul sometimes. A candle I once thought was extinguished has been burning all along; my consciousness simply refused to acknowledge it, thus rendering its glow a dim and infinitesimal one. But for some unfathomable reason, fuel has been added, and it burns brighter, much brighter now. 

In retrospect, something that I never completely let go, all along.

Then why do I feel so helpless still? Perhaps still asphyxiated by the crushing weight of present circumstance and emotional duress? The feeling that history, by far and large would repeat itself?

A small, sadistic part of my brain is laughing at me, for being stupid, naive and guileless once again. For refusing to acquiesce with the harsh yet valuable lessons from my past. 

Yet another seemingly insignificant part of my consciousness gives me small little hurrahs of encouragement, refusing to give up hope, and always whispering to me that nothing is ever permanent, nothing is set in stone and to believe in the promise that a new day brings. That sometimes hope survives, and would blossom to something unimaginably beautiful.

I’ve not had proper sleep for the past 18 hours. Hopefully, this won’t be the case tonight. A short prayer and a silent yet fervent appeal for my consciousness to give everything a break, as I struggle to make sense between history’s undoubtably invaluable yet hurtful lessons, and the strangely beautiful yet mysterious glimmers of hope that the future brings. I don’t know. 

Frankly, all I’d like to do right now, is to get some sleep.